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Women Seeking Women

Life is short. Have an affair.

It’s not uncommon these days to hear women bemoan the behaviour of their husbands or male partners. From the exasperated cries of “I work hard too and yet he does nothing around the house,” to “His idea of a romantic evening is ordering take-out and binge watching a Netflix show,” more and more women seem to be crying out in frustration that all is not well on the home front. So much so that it has gone beyond the age-old “bitch session with the girls” to a constant theme in popular culture. (Take for example those television ads where the wife always gets her way by deriding her husband’s opinion – from buying a car to marketing jingles for a prominent furniture supplier.)

So what messages are coming through? Is it a logical and overdue result of fending off traditional male dominance? Has the “me-too” era moved beyond the workplace into its next phase within the home? Are women becoming more secure and confident in demanding what they want in life because they don’t need a man to protect them and keep them in financial comfort? Perhaps it’s a little bit of all these things. And for many women the option of an extramarital affair has become more appealing than ever.

This role transformation between the sexes has led many women to re-evaluate their choice of a romantic partner – in a much more open fashion. So if you are a lonely wife trapped in a sexless marriage or are simply curious to experiment romantically with both sexes, or are committed to female partners only – know that the choice is yours to make - with less fear of the archaic label of adultery.

From Forbidden Fruit to Forbidden Love

Through the years, the concept of women who prefer the company of other women – sexually, emotionally, socially - has always been spoken of in hushed tones or been rationalized to meet societal standards defined by men. These women have ‘always been around’ but historically considered the exception to the norm.

Let’s face it. As the old story goes - history is written by the victorious - and basically by men. Any references to female infidelity, lesbianism or bisexual women were rarely chronicled in classic literature but glimpses of their existence can be found in some ancient writings. The most well-known author is likely the 6th century BC Greek poet Sappho (from the isle of Lesbos) who wrote of her love for both men and women. Other references include the story of Iphis in Ovid’s seminal Roman treatise “Metamorphoses,” who, born a woman, was pitied by the Gods and turned into a man so she could be be with her female lover. You’ll also find a smattering of comments about the need for ‘penance’ by women engaging in illicit homosexual or pansexual activities in Christian, Arabic and Jewish texts in medieval Europe. (1)

It wouldn’t be until the late 19th century that lesbianism (or bisexuality) would become more culturally visible in England and continental Europe. And while it doesn’t appear to be as condemned as male homosexuality, it was deemed to be prevalent in ‘less respectable’ circles in Paris and Amsterdam, particularly among dancers and prostitutes. By the 20th century, while not necessarily condoned, lesbianism and pansexuality of women became more tolerated, culminating in the political lesbianism of the 1960’s, the infamous New York Stonewall Riots in 1969 and the ushering in of lesbian feminism in the 1970’s.(1)

Baby, You’ve Come A Long Way

Frustration. Loneliness. Unmet sexual desires. Emotional support. Natural attraction. The reasons why women seek the comfort of other women through discreet encounters are as diverse as females themselves. However, research does indicate that alternative relationships are increasing – and becoming more acceptable in society. One only has to look to popular culture – with TV shows like ‘Ellen,’ ‘The L Word,’ and ‘Orange is the New Black’ and films like ‘Carol’ and ‘The Kids Are Alright’ - as well as songs such as Katy Perry’s ‘I Kissed A Girl’ - to see a growing embrace of alternative lifestyles.

In her article for O, The Oprah Magazine, writer Mary Fischer gives us a fascinating glimpse of why women are choosing other women over men as their partner of choice. And how sexual orientation can vary for women depending on their circumstances, time of life, environment, or simply biology.(2) Let’s keep in mind that marriage itself takes many forms and can help explain why some women view cheating on their spouse as not only an acceptable but necessary outlet for their latent sexual fantasies.

For instance, are you in what is known as a “marriage blanc” situation? This term refers to a marriage of convenience that was never consummated. Were you obliged to enter into this partnership because of family pressure or purely economic, social or compassionate considerations? Or is your relationship deemed a “marriage lavender?” In this case, a man and woman decide to marry in order to disguise the homosexuality of one or both partners – and again, with no consideration of romantic love or sexual attraction.(3)

Perhaps your union is based on a mutually-agreed desire for an open marriage, which means you are both free to explore polyamorous relationships without any guilt of being labelled a cheating housewife? And maybe your husband can seek out his own dalliances with bisexual or bi-curious men in an open and loving manner?

Whatever the case, it is encouraging to know married men and married women now have choices to pursue their inner most desires without being boxed in to a defined stereotype for the duration of their romantic lives.

For years, many reputable scientists, such as Dr. Anne Ridley in a 2017 interview with Toronto Sun reporter Simone Page, have cited the Alfred Kinsey model of sexuality and his 6 point scale whereby subjects at 0 were confirmed heterosexuals, those at 6 were deemed homosexual and most of us fall in the middle.(4)

However, more contemporary studies now refer to “sexual fluidity,” which basically means attraction levels are not fixed but change according to a variety of factors. In the O Magazine article, Dr. Lisa Diamond, a professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah and author of the book ‘Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire’ is quoted as saying “Fluidity represents a capacity to respond erotically in unexpected ways due to particular situations or relationships. It doesn’t appear to be something a woman can control.” Furthermore, according to Diamond, many women she’s interviewed claim they are attracted to the person, not necessarily the gender, and are drawn to characteristics like kindness, intelligence and humour for that emotional connection. Sometimes that can be a man or sometimes that can be a woman.(5)

What is clear is that more women now choose to take another woman as a partner because as stated by Yale lecturer Binnie Klein in the same article, “a change in sexual orientation is imaginable to more people than ever before, and there’s more opportunity - and acceptance – to cross over the line.”(5) It’s what feminist philosopher, Kentucky professor and author Susan Bordo refers to as “stepping out of the conventional gender box.”(5)

Women Dating Women … Why?

As we mentioned earlier, the reasons why women seek out the company of other women can vary based on a wide variety of factors and situations. Perhaps you are frustrated or have had negative encounters with men? Or you inherently know you are bisexual or gay? Or you are simply curious and find it appealing to see someone who is more in sync with what a woman needs? Before diving into the dating pool, it’s important to remember a few basic precepts. Some of these include those espoused by Dr. Ridley: feel no shame in your choice; be completely open about your expectations; and remember the experience may have no bearing on your sexual orientation or preference – but it could be an important aid for your own sexual identity.(6)

So whether you are gay, bisexual or simply married but looking for a change of pace, it is equally important to keep these(7) things(8) in mind:

  • Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and don’t worry about being judged. You choose your own identity.
  • Experimentation doesn’t define you.
  • Think about what qualities and characteristics you want in a romantic partner – let your imagination guide you.
  • Be patient. Like any form of dating, things don’t always happen overnight.
  • Don’t let anyone rush you. Know what’s right for you and when you’re ready.
  • Your only regret may be not trying at all.

W4W Dating: The Fun Part

You are a woman who is now open to the idea of dating other women. We’ve determined it’s much easier – and acceptable – for women to experiment with alternate relationships. Here’s a fun look, based on some list ideas from Bolde contributing author Amy Horton(9), at all the good things you may discover – about yourself and your sexuality.

  1. BE APPRECIATED - IN A TOTALLY DIFFERENT WAY.
    We all know that women and men are different when it comes to feelings. You’ll probably feel more comfortable expressing yourself with a female partner (and she’ll get it the first time around).
  2. WOMEN UNDERSTAND HORMONES.
    They know the agony of a period cycle and will be more sympathetic – and likely more intuitive when it comes to your needs. Men just don’t get PMS or ironically named, Menopause.
  3. NO NEED TO DEAL WITH MIXED SIGNALS.
    Women tend to be more emotional in their interactions with men. You’re more likely to have more understanding and less confusion with a woman when it comes to where your relationship stands.
  4. IT’S MORE THAN JUST SEX.
    Most women will get this and if they don’t, they’ll tell you why without resorting to all kinds of sweet stories just to get in your pants.
  5. SHE KNOW YOUR NEEDS AND UNDERSTANDS YOUR BODY.
    When it comes to romance, women understand each other on an emotional, physical and mental level. Wouldn’t it be more fulfilling to give and receive love from someone who truly knows your needs?
  6. A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE ON DATING – AND YOURSELF.
    If you’ve only ever been with men, becoming romantically involved with a woman can change your viewpoint on how you approach love. It may also change how you view yourself without craving societal approval and putting yourself in a gender box. Remember, you may not be totally straight, you may not be completely gay. You can be whomever you want.
  7. EXPERIMENTING IS FUN!
    Sure, the sex is different than with a man, but think of all the new things you can try! And with someone who is accepting and appreciative of your body.
  8. WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL— WHY NOT DATE ONE?
    Now you can admire another woman’s beauty first hand and in return, feel appreciated for the beautiful woman you are.

Famous Lady Lovers

While historical references to female on female relationships are few and far between, we do know of some very impressive lesbian/bisexual women who have made significant cultural contributions through the years. Below are just a few you may find interesting(10):

  • Queen Christina of Sweden (crowned in 1644)
  • Jane Adams – a leading suffragette who founded Hull House in Chicago (1899) and won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1931
  • Gladys Bentley – a famous blues singer who publicly married another woman in 1931
  • Audre Lourde – black lesbian feminist and poet
  • Del Martin & Phyllis Lyon – well-known married couple and founders of The Daughters of Bilitis
  • Rita Mae Brown & Barbara Gittings – leading feminist activists of the 1970’s
  • Patricia Highsmith – famous British novelist who wrote ‘The Price of Salt’ (later turned into the movie ‘Carol’), ‘Strangers on a Train’ (turned into the classic Hitchcock film), and ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley.’
  • Barbara Jordan – the first southern black woman elected to the US House of Representatives (1972)
  • Others include lesbian women whom autostraddle.com contributor Riese claims are among those they didn’t tell you about in history class!(11):

    • Florence Nightingale (heroine of the War of 1812)
    • Poet Emily Dickinson
    • Katharine Lee Bates – composer of ‘America the Beautiful’ (who had what infamously became known as a ‘Boston Marriage,’ which referred to 2 educated women who lived together)
    • Authors Willa Cather (Pulitzer Prize Winner for ‘One of Ours’) and Lorraine Hansbury (‘A Raisin in the Sun’)
    • Jazz great Billie Holiday
    • Star athlete Babe Didrikson Zaharias
    • Anthropologist Margaret Mead/li>
    • Former US First Lady and Human Rights Advocate Eleanor Roosevelt

    Let’s Get Started

    There are untold numbers of women who are eager to explore relationships with other women. Just remember the words of sex psychotherapist Vanessa Morin - “Experimentation doesn’t define you. But if you don’t give it a shot, you may always regret not trying.”(12)

    While there are any number of married dating websites and affair apps on the internet, not all will offer you the same level of privacy and discretion as the world’s leading service provider.

    At AshleyMadison.com we’re here to help folks take that first step from imagining erotic happiness to making it a reality. If you are one of them, don’t waste another precious moment – get started today!

    Explore the possibilities today!

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