The Crux of Infidelity
A global report on faith, marriage, and affairs
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Two of the Ten Commandments refer to adultery. At the same time there are a number of instances of polygamy in the Bible and scholarship is divided on the assessment of its portrayal. While this ambiguity is not often discussed, it is a potential dilemma for someone identifying as religious.
In order to explore this question, Ashley Madison, the world’s leading dating married site1, asked members across the globe about their views on religion in relation to marriage and monogamy, infidelity and forgiveness, feelings of guilt or shame, as well as sex and sexual exploration.
“I grew up in a traditional Catholic home. Any sexual inquiries, urges, or feelings were repressed. Extremely repressed. Sometimes I can control my own climax even today as an adult, by allowing some of those shameful feelings from the “great repression,” to come back in. When you grow up and realize that you should never have to feel afraid of or ashamed of sex, only then can you come into your own and understand your personal wants and needs. Unfortunately, this is too often discovered after marriage, and allows for infidelity to become the only salvation.”
Religions offer a moral framework to live by. As such, they provide guidance in how to live one’s life. In the case of married daters, however, religious teachings are usually contrary to their own behavior and experience. It would, therefore, not be surprising if the majority of cheaters were atheist or agnostic. They would not be encumbered by ethical preoccupations rooted in the past, which all too often no longer correspond to the social mores of our modern societies.
The reality is a different one. Two-thirds of Ashley Madison members declare a religious affiliation and only a minority of 17% identify as atheist or agnostic.
The identification of married daters with religion goes even further. Merely 26% profess that religion doesn’t play a part in their lives which contrasts with the 37% who claim that it is important to them or even the center of their lives. The importance of religion is even more prevalent among the Christian denominations – for 51% of Protestants/Anglicans and 45% of Catholics. Women (43%) are also more religious than men (36%).
Additionally, almost one in five women care about the religious affiliation of their affair partner, while only 7% of men share the same concern.
It’s evident that religion plays a part in the majority of members’ lives despite their extramarital affairs being incongruous with religious doctrine.
Overall, 28% of members believe that infidelity is a sin. One’s religious affiliation has a clear correlation to this belief. While only 7% of atheists or agnostics subscribe to this notion, 31% of Catholics and even 41% of Protestants/Anglicans are convinced that adultery is an ungodly act. Gender also plays a role as women (33%) are more likely than men (27%) to defend the idea.
Among those who experience feelings of guilt or shame after meeting up with an affair partner, almost half are convinced that these feelings are a result of what religion teaches. The number rises to 55% for Catholics, but interestingly only 42% of women see a correlation, although otherwise they appear to be more religious than men.
Prayer is one way in which married daters seem to reconcile with their behavior. It is worth noting that it is particularly popular among the Christian denominations and more among women than men. While overall 56% profess to pray, the percentage augments to 67% for Protestants/Anglicans and even 71% for Catholics. Sixty-eight percent of women but only 54% of men engage in prayer.
When asked what they pray for, 16% of men and 13% of women say that they would like their infidelity to be forgiven. The disparity is higher between Catholics (15%) and Protestants/Anglicans (26%), which may be a result of Catholics counting on absolution. At the same time men (14%) and Protestants/Anglicans (22%) in particular hope for an improvement in their marital sex life while only 8% of women and 12% of Catholics still seem to hold out some hope for an amelioration.
While nine out of ten members say that the experience of having an affair has not influenced their religious devotion, religious teachings do invariably exert an influence on how married daters characterize their infidelity.
On a personal level, the overwhelming majority of Ashley Madison members, regardless of their faith or gender, do not believe that religious teachings in relation to marriage, infidelity, and sexuality realistically reflect their own experience. Asked whether religious doctrine should be revised in order to more accurately reflect modern marriage today, married daters are, however, fairly evenly divided between progressives and those accepting the status quo. The one exception is the belief that ‘Marriage is a sacred bond’ for which opinion is almost evenly divided.
The two teachings married daters are invariably confronted with are ‘Sexual exclusivity with your spouse’ and ‘Adultery is a sin’. While both women and Catholics are divided 50:50 on whether religion should allow for more open relationships, both men (54%) and Protestants/Anglicans (56%) defend monogamy in marriage. The dichotomy between the same camps can also be observed in relation to the view on adultery. Fifty-one percent of women and 52% of Catholics would do away with it being considered a sin, while 51% of men and 52% of Protestants/Anglicans are comfortable with it being an ungodly act.
Perhaps the most surprising discovery is that 55% of women do not think it necessary for religion to amend its ‘Discouragement of female pleasure/sexuality’.
The fact that married daters are differentiating between the way they live in their marriages, what they consider acceptable, and what they believe religion should teach is an evident incongruity - between what they ‘do’ and what they ‘say’. A possible explanation can be found in the role religion plays in providing a structure and framework for many, and thus security. Any drastic change to this could be viewed as destabilizing.
Across all faiths and both genders, married daters above all are looking for sexual satisfaction when having an affair (88%). This is followed by emotional support (42%), having someone to confide in (39%) and personal validation (34%).
There is, however, a noted difference in the frequency of bedroom activities between the faiths. The study already revealed that Catholics are much less prone to praying for their marital sex life to improve than those of other faiths. Perhaps the reason is that they simply do not need it to be better.
Twenty-eight percent of Catholics still have sex with their spouse a couple of times per week compared to 21% of Protestants/Anglicans and 19% of atheists or agnostics. Even when it comes to those who no longer have sex at all with their spouse, Catholics are lot less likely to have that complaint (19%) than Protestants/Anglicans (29%) and atheists or agnostics (22%). Catholics (74%) are also more concerned than Protestants/Anglicans (59%) that both spouses equally enjoy their bedroom romps.
Catholics, furthermore, do not just take the lead in the marital bed, they are also more likely to have sex once a week with their affair partner (17%) compared to Protestants/Anglicans (13%) and atheists or agnostics (10%).
Whether it is the prospect of absolution, a cultural phenomenon, or simply a coincidence, being Catholic seems to correlate with living a more fulfilled sex life.
Forgiveness is a universal quality across all faiths, but can infidelity be forgiven?
Married daters were asked if their spouse had ever caught them cheating and the results were very similar across the board. Thirty-two percent of Catholics and atheists or agnostics had been discovered as well as 36% of Protestants/Anglicans. Women (35%) were also slightly more likely to have been found out than men (32%).
On the flipside, the question of whether their spouse had ever cheated on them led to some interesting differences. While 43% of female members know of an extramarital tryst of their spouse, only 27% of men can say the same thing. Catholics (30%) seem more prone to having their spouse be unfaithful than atheists or agnostics (26%) and particularly Protestants/Anglicans (24%).
How the genders react to adulterous behavior, however, is different. Eighty-six percent of men forgave their wife and 85% of female members received an absolution from their husband. Women, on the other hand, appear a bit more rancorous. Only 82% forgave their husband and 80% of male members got a pardon from their wife.
An even more pronounced disparity exists between those who have a religious affiliation and non-believers. While 91% of Protestants/Anglicans and 87% of Catholics have forgiven infidelity, the percentage dropped to 84% for atheists or agnostics. Similarly, on the question of whether they had been forgiven, 84% of Protestants/Anglicans and 83% of Catholics responded affirmatively compared to only 79% of atheists or agnostics.
Despite being an offense to two of the Ten Commandments, a discovered affair is forgiven more often than not, demonstrating the malleability of many aspects of religion in order to correspond to the reality of many modern marriages. Perhaps it is time for the overall doctrine to be modernized as well.
Survey of 3,650 Ashley Madison members from February 17-26, 2021 from 19 different countries
