Sexless Marriage and Unhappiness
Tired of your mariage blanc? You should be! Ashley Madison is popular because millions of men and women are not getting the sexual satisfaction they need from their relationships, and are instead turning to a married dating alternative.
There is absolutely nothing healthy about living in a marriage that is sexually non-existent, and yet, people struggle with this reality every single day. According to data scientist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, the number one google search for marriage complaints is “sexless marriage.”(1)
Steven-Davidowitz says “What's more, searches for ‘sexless marriage’ are three and a half times more common than ‘unhappy marriage’ (and eight times more common than loveless marriage).”
Even The New York Times reported that about 15 percent of married couples had not done the deed in the past six months to a year.(2) Clearly there are some red flags and we need to explore a bit more about the issues behind these sad states of ice cold libidos.
What Causes a Sexless Marriage?
The marriage rut. Even the most “perfect” of couples hits that brick wall from time to time, where every routine puts the spotlight on the same old habits and predictable nagging patterns. Not a recipe for arousal, right?!
According to Psychotherapist Tina Tessina, PhD, author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage(3)
There are 3 common factors of sexless marriages:
one partner had their feelings hurt or got turned down too many times
one got too busy or neglectful
one or both partners has a communication problem of some sort
In each of those scenarios, there is a partner that remains unhappy and unfulfilled because the person they are united with, in a life and legal partnership, has left them hanging.
Not Lost in Translation
Diving deeper around the world, there seems to be some universal factors that make partners not want to have sex anymore. In a recent survey from the Japan Family Planning Association, “nearly half of married couples had not had sex for more than a month and did not expect that to change in the near future – the association’s definition of a “sexless” marriage,” according to a Guardian article.”(4)
The findings point to people who are overworked and too under connected to have the motivation for intercourse or sexual activity with their partners.
“More than 22% of all women surveyed said they found sex ‘troublesome.’ Among married men, 35.2% said that work left them “too tired” for intercourse – up dramatically from 21.3% in 2014 – while smaller numbers said they had come to see their wives solely as family members rather than as sexual partners, or that their sex lives had fizzled out after the birth of a child.”
Women are in Sexless Marriages too
The misconception is that married women are the ones with low sex drives and that men are the ones with the freaky bedroom needs. We call this a myth! Women are sexual creatures too and sometimes the wives in the partnership are the ones with a higher functioning libido and greater needs in the bedroom according to Psychologist and couples’ counselor Samantha Rodman.
"Many women are the ones with a higher sex drive in their marriages but women commonly don't discuss this dynamic openly with friends. Also, the media portrayal of relationships makes women think that males have a constant high level of sexual desire. On the contrary, many women struggle in sexless marriages. Outside of therapy, I'd say that finding a support system can be invaluable.”(5)
Perhaps there are wives who are stuck with those husbands who might be saying no because of fatigue from work. Maybe children have dented any sort of spark that the married couple originally had. Shawn Leamon, Divorce Financial Analyst, writes in his blog, “problems arise when one partner uses these normal occurrences as a crutch to bring the intimacy to a standstill. Then when the kids get older and the couple has more time, the blame switches to something else, such as demands at work.”(6) In other words, the marriage is heading towards divorce real quick.
Sexless Husbands are Miserable
Seems like marriage is a sexual agreement just as much as it is a life partnership, so when the husband is faced with a sexless marriage, there is a level of logical failure that permeates everyday life, like the male ego is operating at a deficit – a scarcity. Take for instance this Anonymous article written by a contributor to ‘Thought Catalogue’ titled, I Am In A Sexless Marriage, This Is What I Am Begging Young Men To Consider Before They Get Married.
The writer sets up his miserable scenario with a heartfelt plea to the reader about sexual expectations during marriage and goes on to present his dilemma. “And — the truth is, when you are a man in a marriage you are a prisoner in it because if I did get a divorce I’d lose my kids and a good chunk of my income. What then? I might find passion in my life again, but I’d be the guy my kids only see on the weekends. I can’t handle that idea.”(7)
A Married Dating Solution
Ashley Madison is built on a platform that is welcoming to those who say monogamy is no longer a viable option for people who are physically and emotionally depleted in their marriages and are looking for an extramarital affair. Millions of people have connected on Ashley Madison because of a mutual interest in adultery and infidelity.
Whether a lonely housewife, unhappy husband, polyamorous arrangement, or of course, people stuck in sexless marriages – Ashley Madison allows human beings from all walks of life to connect in a way that allows customers to define their joy.
In her book, Sociologist and Author, Catherine Hakim says internet dating is a wonderful opportunity to rethink the lines of marriage towards more positive and open-minded solutions.
“On the contrary, the emphasis on sex as a leisure activity in consumer society allows people in celibate marriages to see their situation as something that can and should be remedied, instead of something to put up with. Websites make it easy and provide mass access to finding your own mistress or lover.”(8)
