Married... but looking?

Life is short. Have an affair.™

Married, but looking

So, if you were happily married, had everything you needed, and the opportunity to have an extramarital affair presented itself, would you take it?

Look back at your life. You did the dating, relationships, sex things...until you found the one that you were going to spend the rest of your life with. You gave up all others. Maybe you gave up some life dreams. But, it doesn't matter, because you're married to the love of your life, and look at the life you lead! Right now, you have everything that you could ask for - house; love, comfort and security⁽¹⁾; great family. And sometimes you even get respect and conversation⁽¹⁾, an emotional connection and fantastic, intimate sex.

Yes, you love your spouse - there's no doubt about that, and overall your marriage is good. But, perhaps you DON'T have the best sex life with your spouse. Maybe you DON'T talk as much as you used to. Perhaps parenting has squashed long-forgotten date nights.

Now you have the chance to fill in the missing pieces of your life.

If you're missing something, you may be not as happy as you could be. Things may need to change, and infidelity might be a reasonable compromise.

Since time began, people always married for a reason - all to get some sort of social acceptance - home, family, income, love, and in some cases, power.⁽¹⁾

And now?

Now, we want all of this and more. Stephanie Coontz, who wrote Marriage, A History, says that now "people expect marriage to satisfy more of their psychological and social needs than ever before.⁽¹⁾" Now, marriage is not only the making of a team to get all of the things we believe we're supposed to have for a complete life, but it is also about communicating, love and intimacy, both emotional and sexual.⁽¹⁾ We look to be friends, partners and lovers for life.

In essence, we want:

Not only financial stability, but emotional stability too. Love, security, a friend and companion, and commitment from "the one".⁽¹⁾
To hear "I love you", and a show of affection in both words and deed.⁽²⁾
Touching, caressing, kissing anytime the heart tells you to.⁽²⁾
Respect. A chance to be heard, in good and bad times.⁽²⁾
Intimacy.
Fun. It's about enjoying your time with your spouse.
Some freedom. Being a couple is great, but alone time sometimes is also great.

When something is amiss, you may be married but looking for new adventures.

You're married and looking, but why?

Your current marriage may be cool, but can you tick off all of those boxes? You want to stay with your partner, and when the boredom and staleness set in, and you need more, that's when the fantasizing hits - fantasies of something new and exciting.

It's not unusual. People in otherwise healthy and happy marriage have extramarital affairs. An affair can happen, even when the love is still there⁽³⁾ because, in this day and age, most of us feel good with going after our passions when it comes to sex and intimacy.⁽³⁾ Don't believe that because people married for love, and have power to choose and there is no reason to stray, that they keep away from others - it's just not true.⁽³⁾ Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel says that we have unrealistic expectations that "[o]ur desire for others is supposed to miraculously evaporate, vanquished by the power of this singular attraction."⁽³⁾

Most people don't cheat on purpose; there is usually a bigger reason, a story behind it that causes someone to act without thinking, without consideration of consequence. It can be, and usually is, about needing something more. But you feel the need to branch out (like everyone does). In fact, numbers show that 92% of men who cheat don't do it because of the sex.

It's because they don't feel connected to their partner. The affection is gone.⁽⁴⁾

Let's look at some numbers:

55% of men thought about cheating, and 44% have had an affair.⁽⁵⁾ 39% of women have cheated, and 35% thought about it.⁽⁶⁾
34% of married women⁽⁴⁾ and 54% of married men⁽⁴⁾ had no problem with their marriages before they cheated. Most people aren't looking for a relationship, just looking for fun.
Of the people who were having affairs, 54% of people surveyed don't want to leave their partner⁽⁶⁾ and want something temporary and fun. About half of them, 51%, say an affair breathes new vigour into them.⁽⁶⁾. 50% say they just want sex.⁽⁶⁾
55% of married men thought about cheating, and 44% have had an affair.⁽⁶⁾. 39% of married women have cheated, and 35% thought about it.⁽⁶⁾

Can one have an exciting sexual adventure without complication? You bet! You can dive into the world of married dating. Consider keeping your marriage, and all of the goodies that go with it.

Married people are looking ...why?

It appears that these are the main reasons people who are married but looking are straying:

The Sex (or lack thereof)

Many times, when people are married but looking, they want something that is just about the sex. A sexless marriage can get stale fast, and one partner may look for satisfaction elsewhere. And, some people are just unable to stay monogamous even though they are married to their one true love. They want some uncommitted adultery on the side.

We are sexual creatures, and sex will always be an important part of our relationships, and a vital part of our human make-up. Ashley Madison likes to know what makes their members tick.

A survey of male and female members done in 2017 showed that:

61% of respondents said they cheated for the sex.⁽⁷⁾ They were most interested in having a discreet encounter.
Of this number, 76% said that their affair met their sexual needs.⁽⁷⁾
43% of women said that they wanted something physical.⁽⁶⁾

Having an affair to stay in a relationship

When married people have discreet encounters, many do it to be happier, and to have a healthier, stronger marriage, so they can continue their current relationship. They are still in love with the one they married, enjoy being married to their best friend, and they don't want to lose all of the satisfaction that they have in their marriage.

With things going kind of OK, people still feel the need to look outside of our marriage. Why? Mostly it's for emotional and physical needs.

People stay in relationships that aren't perfect, and what they do outside of their marriage is no one's business.

Ashley Madison's survey says that "straying to stay" is quite common. In fact:

54% of people surveyed don't want to leave their partner,⁽⁸⁾ and want something temporary and fun.
About half of them, 51%, say an affair breathes new vigour into them.⁽⁸⁾
50% say they just want sex.⁽⁸⁾

Having an affair to get out of a relationship

Many marriages are good. All marriages go through rough patches, and most people do whatever they can to save the marriage, including, for some, having an extramarital affair.

Sometimes, though, when you're in a bad relationship, you need to leave. It's not unusual to use another relationship, whether it's an uncommitted liaison or a full-fledged love affair, to get the strength to leave a toxic one. Some people feel better, stronger, and more powerful. You can forget who you are with someone else, what your reality is, how awful your relationship is, and be happy.

And, maybe having one's partner find out and having that conflict helps them leave the relationship. An affair may be the ticket for the partner to get out, too.

Having an affair for affection, friendship

According to many of the respondents in one Ashley Madison survey, cheating met their emotional needs. Of the 2,018 Ashley Madison members surveyed, emotional unhappiness and wanting someone to care were the main reasons to have an affair.

48% said that they got more affection from their affair than their spouse or significant other.⁽⁸⁾
42% were in it for the friendship⁽⁸⁾ of someone who wasn't their spouse or significant other and 37% for emotional needs.⁽⁷⁾
5% were attracted to the person because of their brain.⁽⁶⁾. The affair partner was generally more educated than the marital partner.
48% said that they got more affection from their affair than their spouse or significant other.⁽⁶⁾
42% were in it for the friendship.⁽⁶⁾ of someone who wasn't their spouse or significant other and 37% for emotional needs.⁽⁷⁾

Just because we're human

Life can be a tough game, and we all strive to have a good one. At some point, we may want more, whatever that looks like to us. People who are married but looking, and get involved in intimate adventures say that affairs help them feel more alive.⁽⁷⁾ They are betraying their partners, but not themselves.

54% of cheating housewives had their first affair after they had children. As women fall into the domestic role, many of them get bored and lose themselves as they care for their families.⁽⁶⁾

When people lose touch with who they are, an affair can give them a sense of control over their lives. Being that person one always wanted to be, or remembering when they were more adventurous, scooping up a chance that may have passed. They may have spent their life being the person everyone else wanted them to be, but not who they were born to be. And when they realise that they want more for themselves, they step outside of the world they've made with their partner and try something new. It is a rebellion, stepping into something new and invigorating. It is "...an alternate reality in which they can reimagine and reinvent themselves..."⁽³⁾

"people have extramarital affairs for a variety of reasons, but most are fundamentally rooted in a sense of longing and loss."⁽⁹⁾ - Esther Perel

And, while it throws the marriage for a loop, it can be a liberating and wonderful experience for the person having the affair. Something in them changes - they feel freer and stronger, more alive, more able to find their place in the world and seek more satisfaction, exploration and self-discovery.⁽³⁾

Fun fact which you probably already know: we as humans sometimes have a need to bend the rules to our liking. Bending the rules is a personal testament to how we have control, freedom, and are able to stand proudly outside of societal norms.⁽³⁾ We can live the life that WE expect of us, not the one that society dictates. An affair may let us live out hidden fantasies, visions of a life that we thought would be kind of cool to explore.

Who are these married people carrying on with?

Affairs happen in all types of marriages: good and bad, especially if one partner is lonely, bored or needing more. Some may be interested in experimenting, others may want to spice up their marriage or get their partner involved. Poly dating is a component of some relationships nowadays.

Where does one find that person who is going to be their affair partner? Maybe someone who one wouldn't even think about being with, someone outside of their social or financial circle.

Or maybe someone from a different culture or class. For many, it could be living out the possibilities that they would never otherwise have.⁽³⁾

Ashley Madison did a survey of some of their members, and asked both women and men who they have an affair with.

27% of men surveyed would go to a friend or co-worker⁽⁶⁾
28 % of women, if unhappy, would seek out the comfort of a friend⁽⁵⁾
15% of women surveyed would go to a co-worker⁽⁶⁾
17% of women would cheat with their boss⁽⁶⁾
35% of those surveyed (both sexes) have cheated while away on business⁽¹⁰⁾

In another survey, 88% of married men said that their lover's looks were irrelevant.⁽⁴⁾

Married but looking - What to expect

Married dating can bring out so much. One can often expect a good time and a renewed sense of oneself.

Their emotional and physical needs are being met. They're getting someone to listen to them, and it makes everything in their life just a little better. Perhaps they can think better, and make better decisions. Perhaps food tastes better, they're more patient, and don't be surprised if they have a better relationship with their spouse.

Should one go the married dating route...

Many people are married and looking. They want adventure, and are looking for more than what they have in their marriage. Some people, as a couple, look at married dating as an alternative for both of them, and may look to opportunities such as swinging, key parties, and threesomes to keep their marriages alive.

There are many options for one to explore when they're out looking for an affair. They can go to clubs, social events, etc. can work, but they don't get to hide what they're doing - ultimately, someone will see. When you hit on someone, it's pretty obvious.

Ashleymadison.com is specifically for married people.

Married people have to be discreet. It makes sense to want to have a relationship with someone who is in the same spot as themselves - married but looking, maybe going through the same thing - so that they don't have to worry about anything getting out, about anybody wanting more. Married daters just have to worry about fun. And because all of the people on ashleymadison.com are basically looking for the same thing - whether it's sex or conversation - they know what they're likely to find: Emotionally, physically, and intellectually.

On AshleyMadison.com, it is possible to kick start one's passion, and change life for the better.

Looking for a same-sex or transgender affair? Ashleymadison.com helps bi-curious men find someone compatible. And, they don't have to explain anything to anyone. It's all discreet, and both are there for the same reason.

Some may opt for an open marriage; it can be open to welcoming threesomes; polyamory can be embraced.

And, for the lonely housewife or lonely husband, where the stresses of a home life can be a little too much sometimes, talking about it with someone else in the same situation can be liberating.

Creating a married dating profile on AshleyMadison.com

For those going the married dating route, there are a few how-to's to setting up one's profile on ashleymadison.com. It can be tedious and time-consuming in any dating environment, so the point is to do this right and not waste time later when they want to get going with an exciting new relationship.

It is important to be discreet and aware of what and how one says online. Honesty is the best approach. This is the best way to find what you are looking for. Why are you looking outside of your marriage? Who do you want to meet? What do you want? A hook-up? An affair? No strings attached? Friends with benefits? Are you bi-curious, and looking to experiment?
Once a connection is established, it is important to keep communications private. This is not for the peering eyes.
Ashleymadison.com offers various resources including chatrooms. It's a great way to get to know someone, know what they want and let them know what you want. Make sure that the potential partner has the same need for discretion.
Talking by phone is probably the best way to find out who and what one is getting into. Is this for real? Are they compatible?
If things are great up to this point, one may consider meeting the potential match, preferably in a safe place where they won't get caught, like a semi-private location that is good for both. Talk face to face, and set expectations.

Affairs are complicated, but they can be refreshing. Especially if one's marriage is stale, a day to day existence that can put you to sleep just thinking about it.

Many times, affairs are nothing to be ashamed of. There are reasons for cheating, and we cannot judge what we can't see behind closed doors.

Most people say they don't agree with cheating, but the volume of people cheating tells a different story. Since it's launch, AshleyMadison.com welcomed over 53 million members worldwide. Many of those adults connect discreetly using specialized married dating apps. Cheating can be a lot more complicated than some might think.

Everybody knows at least one person - that person who is "happily" married, but looking for more. Some people will do anything to find that "more", and some will just sit and be unsatisfied, waiting to die. Which one to be is a personal choice?

We all have to decide what we want out of our short time on this planet. The question is - what do YOU want?