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Men Seeking Men (m4m personals)

Life is short...™

M4M Dating

Same-sex relationships - full-blown relationships to casual affairs and everything in between - have been going on since...forever.

And today, as same sex experiences are becoming more acceptable to society[1] there are many married men who are, after years of living in heterosexual marriages, starting to see their sexuality in a different light. Even though their life partner gives them love, friendship and security, children, a home, a place in society, they are not completely happy. Sometimes they're living in a mariage blanc or sexless marriage. So, it is not unusual, more usual than we think, for a married man to seek out a relationship with another man, married or single.

Sexual activity and intimacy between males was popular in societies such as ancient Greece.[2] The normalcy with which this occurred meant that there was no stigma. And, scientists have suggested that we, as humans, will have an erotic reaction to various stimuli, from people of either gender. It's really just part of our human makeup.[2]

Gay affairs - why we do it

Affairs get a bad rap. They are only seen as sex outside of our relationships, with someone else who isn't our partner. But, there's nothing black and white about them, like everything else in life.

Married men are not just having affairs with women. Many are getting together with men, and as this becomes more commonplace, it becomes more accepted in society. Between 1990 and 2014, the percentage of men reporting male sexual partners had nearly doubled[3]

  • In 1990, 3.1 percent of adults had both male and female partners. By 2015, that number had increased to 7.7 percent.[3]

In 2017, Ashley Madison conducted a survey[4] and found that 55% of men thought about cheating and 44% have had an extramarital affair[4]. But, 54% of men had no problem with their marriages before they cheated. Most weren't looking for a relationship, just looking for fun.[5] Adult dating is a lifestyle choice enjoyed by more than just single heterosexuals.

  • And, taking the numbers of people who are experimenting outside their relationships, you'd have to assume that at least some of these numbers include married men who get together with other men.

For further pondering, check out these numbers. It's estimated that in the US:

  • Around 7% of men have sex regularly with men.[6]
  • Another study suggests that a large cross section of men have had some sexual experience (from contact to sex) at some point between their early teens and their senior years.[2]The numbers sit at about 37 percent of the male population.[2]
  • Approximately 60% of pre-adolescent boys have some same-sex contact.[2]

People have affairs for various reasons. Three common ones are:

For the sex.

Many times, an affair is just about the sex.[7] A relationship can sometimes get stale sexually, and one partner can be left unsatisfied.

To stay in their relationship

Some people cheat to be happier, and to have a healthier, stronger marriage, so they can continue their current relationship which may be built around children, a home and financial resources. For some people, infidelity can provide a means to stay in a relationship.

An Ashley Madison survey[5] identified that "straying to stay" is quite common.

Of this number, 54% of people surveyed don't want to leave their partner, and want something temporary and fun.[5] About half of them, 51%, say an affair breathes new vigour into them.[5] 50% say they just want sex.[5]

Self-satisfaction

Happiness and self-contentment have many paths. A good marriage may not stop some people from seeking what they want from another body. It is not about the partner, it is about the person who is cheating.

Times have changed too. Now, there is a desire to do what makes us feel good and what makes us happy - an "increased sense of individualism",[3] as psychologist Jean Twenge says.

What does this mean for a married man who is seeing another man?

Married men who have a discreet encounter with another man are usually very happy with their lives. They love their wives, their children, and their community. It isn't about leaving and finding new pastures.

So, why do they have sex on the down-low? The reasons are similar to why people cheat in the first place, but with these affairs, there seems to be something more primal, more about just basic needs.

The Sex

Married men feel that there is a difference between sex with men and having an intimate relationship with a woman. Sex with a man is just sex, men 'get' something about sex that women don't, and that because there's a fully mutual understanding that what's going on is just sex, same-sex experiences can be set off safely away from the rest of one's (heterosexual) identity."[10] You can still be a good father and cheat on the side. There may be a need to experiment,[9] and sexual identity does not factor into this behaviour. It may just be a guy getting what he needs from another guy without hassle and more access.

And, if a couple's sexual dynamic changes, such as when couples approach middle-age, sometimes one half's sexual appetite slows, and the other's needs aren't being met.[11]

Self-satisfaction, fantasy, control

Because many men spend a lot of their time showing some control of their worlds - being good fathers, husbands, employees - it is not unusual for them to want to give up some of that control sometimes.[9] They are more than happy to be in a situation where they are being the ones giving pleasure. Being the submissive one is a change from the usually hetero role of husband, father, and caregiver.[10]

Society still thinks of the man in a heterosexual relationship as the person who has the most power. Perhaps being in a relationship with someone who has the same power as him can give him the chance to be submissive, and be controlled. We all want someone to look after us.

Straight? Gay? Bisexual? Experimenting?

OK. You're a guy who is married to the love of your life, but you're also spending time with a man who gives you what you may be lacking, sexually and physically in your marriage. So, what does that mean? Are you gay? Are you bisexual? Are you a straight man who likes having sex with men? Where do you sit on the spectrum?

It's been said that about half of males only display heterosexual sexual behaviour, and very few men only show homosexual sexual tendencies.[2] There are men, though, who sit somewhere in between, showing a tendency to be interested in, and many times, acting on their desire to be with both their own gender and explore intimate relations with others.[2]

Many married men don't see their appetite for sex with men as a definer of their sexuality. They have no attraction to men, other than the sexual thing. So, having sex with a man can be just that - a hook-up, or it can be dealing with something undiscovered, or it can be about feeling dominated and wanting someone to take control.

It is, between men, just sex[12] and you can still have your life at home - lonely wife, kids, house, job, friends, and still have an exciting sexual life.

The romance and intimacy with a woman may not be enough for the married man.[13] Not every married man who has sex with a man is gay or repressed. He is sometimes romantically attracted to women, but is physically attracted to men, or both genders.[13] To most men, sexual attraction is both emotional AND physical, which is what they have when they are with a woman, but with a man, it's only sexual. No romance[12] and they don't need to always desire female bodies to describe themselves as straight.

They don't see a problem with what they're doing, and don't identify it as gay, but rather very masculine, particularly if both parties are straight.[14] For them, it's not adultery if you are just having sex with another man, with no emotional attachment.[14]

Men "...do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. Not all things are black nor all things white. ... Only the human mind invents categories and tries to force facts into separated pigeon-holes."[2]

So, a man can identify as a sheep, a goat, or something in between. Straight, gay, bisexual, or whatever. Truth is, it's up to him.

You've decided M4M dating is what you want.

So, how do you go about it?

Meeting someone can be a bit of a chore. You can meet men in bars, clubs, through friends, and of course online. Ashley Madison is all about pleasure, connection, and discretion. Ashleymadison.com can provide access to men who want what you want. To make sure that this all works for you and you get what you want, set up your profile to attract who you want. Here are some tips:

  1. Be respectful and truthful. Let them know what you want.
    • If you're going to set up a profile to meet women, that's OK, but don't be dishonest. Yeah, it's a cheating site, but show some respect. And, be your manly self.[15]
  2. Be funny. Show your attractive, sexy side.
    • Talk a little about who you are, what you do, what you like. It doesn't have to be earth-shattering. Yeah, you're really just meeting for sex, but everyone wants to know that there's a bit of a human behind that profile.
  3. Have a profile name that will attract your target - one that's friendly and fun.[15]
  4. Be confident. Handling a woman is different - you don't message too much, don't be too much of a pain.
    • However, with men, you can be confident, and since you're both looking for something. Do whatever's comfortable for you. You're both men, so you'll know what's too much or too little. Whether it's a one-off or on the regular, be precise in what you want.
  5. Have a great profile pic ready to go. As for private pics, that's between you and him.

How to hide your affairs?

When you've decided that you are married but looking, the last thing you want is your partner having any clue that you are cheating. Any changes that differ from your day-to-day will get noticed.

    So, to cover it up, follow these simple tips:
  1. Be consistent. Always be aware of what you are saying, and keep track of the particulars. In fact, don't be too detailed. A well-detailed lie can get muddled in the retelling.
  2. Don't be too obsessed with how you look. It'll be noticed.
  3. Be careful how long you spend on the internet. Whether you are looking for match-ups, talking to men you already know, or just otherwise keeping yourself entertained, be careful of when and how long you're online. Pay attention to your other half.
  4. And, delete your browser history.
  5. Keep an eye on what your mobile phone can tell your partner. Don't keep looking at the phone. Delete your history. But not all of it, because that looks suspicious. Delete only the important affair stuff.
  6. Consider installing an affair app so you can keep your married dating out of your browser history.
  7. Ensure that the unexplained absences are not too often. Working late, out with the boys- just be mindful of how you are doing this.
  8. Don't always be defensive. Have an alibi that covers your whereabouts.
  9. Use cash whenever possible. It helps avoid uncomfortable explanations that are inevitable if there's a paper trail. If you have to put anything on a credit card or debit, redirect those statements to your work address. In fact, set up some separate credit and debit accounts.
  10. Don't get too busy with your spouse's schedule. They may suspect.
  11. Be careful where you meet. Preferably not at home.
  12. Keep the secret. Don't let anyone know what's going on. Secrets slip.
  13. Keep your eyes to yourself. We know that every man can be a potential intimate partner, but your other half doesn't need to see that.

Thinking of Opening up to Your Partner?

If you decide to open up to your partner at some point about your same-sex relationship(s), you should consider being honest with her. Do it well so that she understands what you want, and how you want her to be involved. Don't open up if you feel it will hurt her, but consider the merits of polyamory.

Relationships look like all sorts of things. You could have an open relationship, agree to invite a third person into the relationship, or she may just agree to share you with someone else. The possibilities are endless if you think that she'll go for it. Change the rules. It's your relationship and only you can define it, and what works for you. Perhaps you can give the relationship a new path, and still be incredibly happy and fulfilled. It just takes an open mind. Poly dating is one means of experimentation.

It's easy to label someone. That's what we do as humans. Everything in its own little box. Behave as that box dictates, and don't stray. However, one's sexuality is not that simple to explain. Being open and willing to be in a relationship with whomever you want is good for you, even when you identify as heterosexual.

You need to do what feels best, feels right for you. Identify as who you want. Do what you want. Be true to you. And don't let anyone tell you who or what you are. Live how you want.

In a nutshell, identify however you want to identify, but do it honestly.

Sources & References

  1. Why We're Having More Same-Sex Relationships Than Ever, June 1, 2016, Psychology Today
  2. Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, by Alfred C. Kinsey, Wardell R. Pomeroy, and Clyde E. Martin, American Journal of Public Health, June 2003
  3. Study: Same-sex experiences are on the rise, and Americans are increasingly chill about it, by Rachel Feltman, The Washington Post, June 1, 2016
  4. One of the world's largest affair websites with more than 56 million members has revealed how and why people cheat, by Rosie Fitzmaurice, Business Insider UK, October 14, 2017
  5. Sex, intimacy and friendship: Ashley Madison survey reveals why people cheat, by Mary Bowerman, USA Today Network, February 8, 2018
  6. Infidelity and Forgiveness: The Complexities of Coming Out in a Straight Relationship, by Loren A. Olson, Social Work Today, May 16, 2011
  7. A popular website for married people seeking affairs revealed why people cheat — and it isn't just about sex, by Shana Lebowitz, February 22, 2018
  8. Sex, intimacy and friendship: Ashley Madison survey reveals why people cheat, by Mary Bowerman, USA Today Network, February 8, 2018
  9. Understanding Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men, by Joe Kort, May 28, 2017, Psychotherapy Networker
  10. How Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men Explain Their Encounters, by Jesse Singal, The Cut, Feb. 14, 2017
  11. The Affairs of Men
  12. Why Straight Men Have Sex With Each Other, by Jesse Singal, August 15, 2015
  13. Why Can't We Accept Straight Men Who Have Gay Sex?, by Lux Alptraum, March 22, 2017
  14. The Straight Men of the Rural Midwest Who Have Sex With Each Other, C. Brian Smith, Mel Magazine
  15. How to succeed on Ashely Madison, The Ashley Madison 10 Commandments

Explore the possibilities today!

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