They say that there’s a typical story for a divorce or for something that ends up in an affair but I don’t think that’s true. I had my affair over two years ago and it lasted for more than half a year. The man was still married to his wife, but she had stopped wanting to have sex with him after the birth of their second child. I had a daughter of my own and I almost felt like I was raising her alone. I would watch those movies and see the single mothers struggling and it felt like I was watching myself.
My husband is a good man. He didn’t make me feel this way on purpose and he would be affectionate when he was around me but he had to work so much. Sometimes he would be out of state for months and I would get so lonely and so unhappy but I could never figure out why. Everyone had problems and I didn’t want to be the one who cracked under what I thought was a tiny bit of pressure but it kept getting worse until I decided to do something about it. I was lonely. My husband was away and we barely were even able to talk on the phone so I signed up for a website that was for people who wanted to be affairs.
At first I just liked the attention. I put my picture up and men would pay attention to me. They would call me beautiful and make me feel wanted in a way that my husband hadn’t been able to in so long. I wanted to tell him some times that I was doing this with other men but at the same time I was afraid he wouldn’t understand. I love my husband and that never changed because I had an affair on him. My love was for him. And I don’t expect people will understand but the affair was for him as much as it was for me.
I wanted to stay in our marriage and I wanted to make it work but without that intimacy I was falling apart at the seams. I was constantly trying to hide the fact that I was crying from my daughter and I was getting mad at my husband. We started fighting. And fighting. Long arguments that would last into the night and he would storm out of the house and I would cry.
I started spending time online when he wasn’t at home. At first I thought that I would be able to just keep sending messages back and forth but there were times when I would go out and meet the men. I never ended up sleeping with the ones I met at first. There was always something I couldn’t get past. This one smiled too much or this one complained about his wife too often. But then I met him. My perfect affair partner and I think that if we had met in another world we could have been very happily married to each other. I found myself fantasizing about him whenever my husband was away and I would smile more.
I would hug my daughter and smile and laugh and sing. My husband and I stopped fighting because all the things that I was frustrated in were being seen to by someone else. He never suspected that I was running off with someone else. It was never meant to be permanent. I just felt so wanted when I was in that man’s arms. I would pretend that he was my husband and that we were back to what I wanted to be so badly.
Eventually my husband started having more time for me and our daughter. We were a family again. I broke things off with my affair partner and devoted myself back to my husband and my marriage. I confessed to him about the affair and it hurt him. It hurt him so much I knew it did. But after a couple days of the silent treatment he came back and asked when I started the affair. I told him and he put it together. I was happier when I was having the affair because I was getting what my husband couldn’t give me at the time. There was a rough patch then. I’m not going to lie. We had to relearn each other and he had to come to terms with not only the fact that I had an affair but the fact that he didn’t provide for me the way he had promised he always would. He could remember the fights just as well as I could and how I had begged him for the things that I had eventually looked outside my marriage for.
We’re stronger now. My husband loves me so much and I love him. And even though I caused both of us pain by having the affair I would do it over again if it meant I could save my marriage like that affair did. Maybe I didn’t do the right thing. I’m still not sure but I would do it all over again. Cheating was good for me and if you do it for the right reasons and if you can be honest with yourself and your partner I think it might be good for you too. Only if it’s something you need. Don’t be greedy. This isn’t about getting everything you want and I wish that more people who cheated would talk about what was missing in their marriage that drove them to cheat in the first place. There have to be more people like me.
Mr Biderman do you hear stories like this a lot?
I don’t want to be the only one.