Well hello, gorgeous! You seem to be just what I’m looking for. Oh wait…that photo looks a little old judging by the handlebar mustache and cheesy gold chain. And did you seriously just go off on a rant about how horrible your wife is, which is what brought you to Ashley Madison? Yeah, I think I’ll pass.
Is this happening to you? And if it is, how would you know? Well, are you getting as many responses to your profile as you’d like? Have you actually connected with anyone yet? If you’re not making connections, it may not be them—it may be you.
Meeting people online offers all kinds of advantages, but they can all be canceled out by the one disadvantage—not meeting people in real life. Yes, it’s a Catch-22, I know. But we all know how easy it is to play a part online, to present a not-quite-accurate portrait of ourselves, either through outdated photos from more attractive days, or by going in the wrong direction with descriptions and requests. Well, because I like you and you’re still kind of cute even with the mutton chops, I’ve put together a few tips on how to get more out of your Ashley Madison profile.
Everyone on Ashley Madison is an adult looking for an affair now. What do I mean by this? They’re not seeking an affair with a high school kid, so your senior yearbook picture won’t do anyone any good, no matter how great you looked in it. Also, that photo taken four years and 20 pounds ago is the one you put on your fridge to remind you not to eat junk, not the one you put in your profile to meet people. Harsh? Well, think about what you’re looking for, and how disappointed you’d be when you finally got to that first in-person meeting and found that the photo you’d been looking at online was nothing more than bait to be switched with the real thing. Put some thought into your photo to make it interesting, but above all, make sure it’s recent.
No one joins Ashley Madison to find a long-term relationship, so remember that you’re not writing a profile for a dating site. You want your profile to be friendly so you’re approachable, but not overly serious, or you’re only going to turn people away. Forget listing all your likes and dislikes (unless they’re relevant to the task at hand), your deeply personal beliefs, your politics (unless that really is some sort of kinky prerequisite for the person with whom you decide to have an affair), or your philosophies. If you do get into something semi-long-term with someone, those topics can become pillow talk, if that’s where things take you. But in your profile, keep it light, and above all, fun. Isn’t that what everyone here is looking for?
Does that sound like a bit of an oxymoron on a site dedicated to discreet affairs? Maybe so. But think about the reasons most people are here seeking an affair. People come here because they’ve lost interest in their significant others for some reason. Maybe he’s put on a few too many pounds, or maybe she’s not interested in trying new things in the bedroom. Saying you’re thinner than you are, or more adventurous than you’re willing to be is only going to cause disappointment for both the person who responds to you, and for you when you’re rejected after the truth comes out, which it eventually will. Just be honest. It may take some time, but you’ll find someone who’s looking for what you have to offer.
Wait, didn’t I just say that? No, actually. There’s a difference between not lying and being honest, or maybe I am just really good at deflecting. Seriously, there’s another way to phrase this: be open. Your profile is not the place to be shy. You’re looking for something you’re not getting at home, and this is where you’ll find it. But the only way to get what you really want is to ask for it. Just want someone willing to be available for quick lunchtime rendezvous? Say so. Looking for someone adventurous to take on a weekend getaway? Spell it out. Life is short. Don’t waste your time and everyone else’s by being vague. Go for what you want! And remember—confidence is very sexy.
Everyone has their reasons for being here, ranging from curiosity and boredom, to dissatisfaction at home, to outright unhappiness with the way their relationship is going right now. But that’s exactly the point of being here. If everything were perfect, and you weren’t lacking anything, you wouldn’t be here in the first place, so just leave it at that. Frankly, no one wants to hear about how boring your home life is, how your spouse and kids are driving you crazy, how you need to relax because of your ultra-stressful job, blah, blah, blah. If they wanted to hear about all that, they could stay home and listen to their husband or wife drone on about it. Ashley Madison is where you can escape those daily tribulations and truly enjoy yourself, even if it’s just for a little while before you have to go back to your routine. Don’t ruin it by bringing all that baggage in with you.
You don’t have to admit whether you’ve made any of these mistakes, but if you want to get the most out of Ashley Madison, you do have to fix them. Go ahead, I’ll wait. But not for long. There are a lot of other profiles on here that look quite interesting. Make sure yours is one of them.