While we have discussed in the past the worst sex advice for women and how to George Foreman's grill your man's balls, there’s plenty of terrible advice directed at dudes, too, often involving a salient combination of manipulation, foodstuffs and math. Here are the worst offenders, from pickup artists, Men’s Health, Maxim, and beyond.
1. “Pop your penis in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.” (Maxim UK)
I have joked in the past about “totally wanting to bang a jar of Nutella”, so I can't harp too much, BUT if you present your lady with a brown, gooey dick, she’s going to have questions, and none of those will be, “May I enthusiastically blow you?” Also does this work in reverse? ‘Cause this Hot Pocket in my vagina’s not gonna eat itself.
2. “After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does… So prolonged french kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically.” (Men’s Health)
Yes, it’s definitely your testosterone-laden saliva that’s making us “chemically interested.” If the prolonged french kissing doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, try spitting in her face.
3. “A woman may want financial and family security, but she does not want passion security. In the same manner, when she has displeased you, punish swiftly, but when she has done you right, reward slowly.” (Chateau Heartiste, pickup artist site)
It works for the Dog Whisperer so it must be true.
4. Take a pearl necklace and “lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation.” (Men’s Health)
Now put your dick in her ear. Can she hear the ocean?
5. “Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse.” (Men’s Health)
Don’t let your genitals hog all the attention while your face just sits there like a chump. Your face could be having sex with someone else’s face! Complete with tongues darting in and out, just like the hokey pokey told us it was all about! We suggest you try this in a mirror first to see how much you resemble a lunatic ostrich.
6. “Challenge her to strip PlayStation.” (Men’s Health)
“Strip video gaming is fun and sexy. Every time a character is killed, you must remove a piece of clothing.” You know what’s even more fun? Strip Stop Playing Fucking Video Games All Day and Have Sex with Me Already.
7. “Pour peppermint schnapps in her belly button…
I’m going to stop you there because if you’re drinking schnapps on purpose you’re probably a high school sophomore and shouldn’t be reading this.
8. …Sip it. Then kiss her breasts and blow on the spots you kissed. The peppermint schnapps and air will cause a cool sensation and heighten arousal.”
Or she’ll be angry that you spilled your giggle-water on her nice duvet cover.
9. “Have her kneel on the edge of the bed with her upper chest touching the mattress. This elongates the vaginal barrel, making it feel tighter… she'll enjoy the nipple stimulation from rubbing the mattress.” (Men’s Health)
It’s like shooting fish in a vaginal barrel. We don’t think mattress burn counts as “stimulation” though.