www.cheaters.com: What's the latest craze on the Internet? Infidelity, reports Rebecca Caldwell

Kirk is 39. From Aurora, Ont., he's Caucasian, 5-foot-6, weighs 155 pounds and has brown hair. The photo he has posted on-line shows a decent-looking man leaning against a boat, the sun setting romantically in the background. A senior professional, he says he enjoys good food, wine, music, the arts, sports and the outdoors. He sounds sincere when he writes, "I'm looking for a woman that can challenge [my] mind and is passionate, open-minded, tactile, confident in herself and can laugh inside and outside of the bedroom."

Sounds like any other profile on an Internet dating service. Except Kirk could be your husband.

Kirk is married, and part of one of the fastest growing Internet demographics: on-line adulterers. Today's bored husband or wife can now choose from a variety of philandering options with a simple click of a mouse. Services such as Yahoo and MSN.com offer chat rooms for married people who want to flirt with partners other than their spouses, while hard-core adulterers can visit full-blown matchmaking services such as http://www.married-match.com, http://dating-married-people.463.us, or the Toronto-based Web site http://www.ashleymadison.com, where Kirk's profile is currently posted.

Internet infidelity is growing so rapidly, it will soon become the most common form of cheating on a spouse, according to a recent University of Florida study.

With more than 50,000 registered users at AshleyMadison alone -- and everyone from Kobe Bryant to Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman owning up to extramarital affairs -- Canadians appear to be becoming more relaxed in their attitudes toward monogamous marriage. (Or are we finally becoming more like the French than the English?)

Users of the AshleyMadison site -- which markets its services under the unabashed slogan "when monogamy becomes monotony" -- are "from all walks of life," says owner and founder Darren Morgenstern. "Wealthy, not so wealthy, tall, short, educated, not educated, foreigners, sixth-generation Canadians. It's more a psychographic [than a demographic], which has to do with whatever decisions a person made in their life that led up to that particular juncture: Whether they got married too young, whether they fell out of love, whether they're no longer attracted to their partner. . . . There are many reasons."

Recently married himself, Mr. Morgenstern says neither he nor his wife use the site (for now at least). But they don't have any moral qualms about running it either, since it doesn't condone cheating -- it merely facilitates it.

"If somebody is not in the market, so to speak, to have an affair, you cannot convince them to have an affair," he says. "We do get our share of hate mail, people who call us home wreckers. But we get much more correspondence from people saying this is great, this is just what is needed.

"Our position is that we don't tell you to have an affair -- we don't promote, we don't condone it, we don't judge you. But if it is something you're thinking of, we definitely suggest coming to our Web site first, because you can stay anonymous, safe, discreet and get whatever it is out of your system you have to get out."

John, a 46-year-old Toronto man who cruises the site for on-line, on-the-side relationships, is grateful for the opportunity. "As far as the moral issue, like a lot of us, I grew up in a generation where the standards became eroded and attitudes started to relax. So I do not feel I am in conflict with my values," he said in an email interview, conducted on the condition that he not be identified by his real name. After all, discretion is listed under his "What Really Turns Me On" section. (Unlike some other foolhardy types, he hasn't included a photo with his profile.)

"I would not lie to my wife about anything like this. If she asked me, I would be honest with her. I don't like lying and I don't do it well. I have never had an affair before, but have made the decision to explore this now."

John's reasons for straying are simple, he says. "First of all, I am a male, and like most males I am more likely to be less monogamous than a female. This is supported by all the statistics.

"I also have a very high sex drive that my wife cannot fulfill and I am looking for an outlet. At the same time, I have been married for 25 years and my wife is my best friend. I would not want to jeopardize that. [This] allows me to live a 'normal' life without letting things get out of control."

Marriage counsellors admit infidelity is becoming more common, or at least more conspicuous. Recent books such as David P. Barash and Judith Eve Lipton's The Myth of Monogamy explore the struggles men and women face when they try to stay true to only one partner.

"We are not naturally monogamous. Anthropologists report that the overwhelming majority of human societies either are polygynous or were polygynous prior to the cultural homogenization of recent decades," Dr. Barash wrote in a recent essay for Salon.com. "We are imbued by Western culture with monogamous ideals. Yet, like other living things, we're often compelled by our biology to depart from monogamy."

But the on-line angle is new. One of the major attractions of the AshleyMadison site, John says, is that most of the people registered can relate to his situation and are looking for similar kinds of relationships. Advice to users posted on the site reminds them of the constraints married people face: "It usually takes about two to four weeks to connect with someone that has agreed to meet you," the message cautions. "Conflicting schedules, children, spouses, jobs and other commitments (usually) mean that people are not able to simply jump in a cab and drive over to meet you at the closest hotel. Be patient and flexible at the outset. Suggest chatting on-line, talking on the phone or meeting for coffee first. Doing so will speak volumes. Nobody wants to take unnecessary risks with a person that carries on in a random, anxious manner."

Despite the restrictions on their time and freedom, members provide the site with lots of action. Its name may be a combination of the two most popular female baby names in 2001, but the site is anything but innocent. It draws as many as 2,700 users during its peak time: Wednesday afternoon.

In just one day this week, a new, female member with only the barest skeleton of a profile -- listing only age, weight, height and race but without a photograph or mention of sexual fantasies or expectations -- attracted more than 90 responses. Most were pre-composed messages called "winks" that can be sent free.

A typical one read, "Please check out my profile to see if you might be interested in connecting with me. If you are interested, 'wink me back' and I will initiate contact." (Personal messages require the purchase of a $55 membership.)

Sometimes, the messages are sad. Mr. Happy 2004 wrote, "I am in a relationship that I am not ready to end as I have a two-year-old daughter who I love very much. I am hoping we can become friends, and if the feeling takes us, that we can share friendship, affection and passion. I will respect your privacy and hope that you will respect mine too. I am clean and disease free. I can't even remember the last time I had sex."

Most of the members are men -- about 10 for every woman, a ratio reflecting the perceived tendency for more men than women to have affairs. What is surprising, however, is that membership is not restricted to people involved in committed relationships: a glance at the profiles posted shows a few singles searching for married partners for liaisons.

The site offers helpful advice for them too: "If you are single and wish to meet an attached person, you're probably going to have to try a little harder. Single people don't have as much to risk and you may find some attached people unwilling to take a risk with you. People in relationships may feel that you have an upper-hand and that you may not be sympathetic to their circumstances. Take your time to build an additional level of trust with attached people you wish to meet."

Rebecca Caldwell is a feature writer for The Globe and Mail.

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