Defensive Dating in the Age of Cyber-Cheating

When you're dating on the Internet, a broken heart may be the least of your worries. Luckily, technology is here to help you distinguish potential soulmates from future cellmates.

"I do not shop online except when it comes to men," says Sonja, a 38-year-old health food store owner featured on "Hooking Up," a five-part documentary series premiering July 14 at 9 p.m. ET. The series will follow the yearlong travails of 11 stylish Manhattan women looking for love online.

Some 40 million Americans � nearly one out of every two unmarried people � have tried Internet dating in recent years, turning it into a $1 billion business.

But for all the promises of easy-to-find romance, online dating is a minefield of instant rejection, as well as cads of both genders who hire pros to write their personal statements and retouch their pictures, or lie about their age, height, weight, education, profession and marital status.

In the first "Hooking Up," we'll see a guy in his mid-40s who apparently used a vintage photo to pass himself off as a 30-something. We'll also meet a gal who rejects a suitor based largely on the ice cream he orders � vanilla with no sprinkles.

Modern lovers can expect to run into even more serious transgressions. In a recent survey, Jupiter Research found that 12 percent of people who have registered with an online dating service are married.

Some dating services � like True.com � perform criminal background checks and warn that "married people will be prosecuted." Another new site � eLove.com � requires new members undergo face-to-face screenings at which company officials verify that the pictures you're posting are actually of you.

But cheaters are more than welcome at AshleyMadison.com, a Web site for married adults "with unmet needs" that boasts the slogan "When Monogamy Meets Monotony."

About 200,000 people have registered at the Toronto-based Web site. One reason Ashley Madison has such an unassuming name � and not something like ExtraMaritalThrills.com � is so it won't raise red flags when your spouse sees your credit card bill.

Even cheaters have their rules. Ashley Madison newbies are encouraged to get specific about the extramarital pleasure they're seeking. "Swingers" should distinguish themselves from those seeking a "secondary relationship" � a long-term romance that's not necessarily sexual.

A "tertiary relationship" is a polite way to refer to a one-night stand. And be warned: Some married daters expect you not to cheat on your mistress with another mistress � a concept known as "poly fidelity."

Perhaps dating has always been risky. But our increasingly complicated high-tech society seems to simultaneously make it easier to meet other people, yet harder to wade through them to the love of your life.

Here are some new products and services for the spy-vs.-spy travails of defensive daters. Whether they help or hurt your chances of finding a companion, that's up to you to decide.

1. A Phone Number You Can Give Anyone

Would you give a stranger your home phone number? A lot of women would be just as likely to hang a sign on the front door that says, "Stalkers Welcome."

Nowadays, even giving out a cell phone number can be risky. Several Web sites are offering to dig through databases and sell the billing address of cellular customers.

Those fears have given rise to MyPrivateLine.com � a service that provides an untraceable, toll-free phone number that you can set up in minutes to chat with that guy who read your online profile and sent such charming emails.

"When you meet someone online, the curiosity starts building fast to hear that person's voice and it's hard to resist," says Robert Siciliano, an identity theft expert and author of "The Safety Minute."

Now, for 15 cents a minute, your Romeo can call MyPrivateLine.com's phone bank, punch in the code you've given him, and the call will be forwarded to wherever you want to take the call.

You can change your forwarding number in seconds, if you're traveling or at work. Theoretically, you don't have to give out any of your phone numbers. Perhaps that's something you'd like to exchange with your spouse on your wedding day.

2. Online Dating for Wannabe Cupids and Cyber Wingmen

Before Match.com, everybody played matchmaker. When you needed a date, you could turn to a friend for setups. Moms kept tabs on neighbors with single kids. Someone at work knew someone who knew someone who was just perfect for you.

Now, the recently launched Engage.com is carving out a role for friends and family in the nebulous world of Internet dating.

To fix up a son or daughter, friend or neighbor, the would-be matchmaker just logs on and trades information with other matchmakers about the people for whom they're playing Cupid.

"The people who love you are your best advocates. When you go to a party and meet someone, your friend acts as your wingman � the person who is there to make you look good," says Trish McDermott, a former vice president at Match.com.

"Now, there's a place in online dating for all your wingmen."

While other sites have turned to background searches and psychological tests, McDermott feels involving friends and family engenders good behavior. Do you really want to make your mother or best friend look bad by not picking up the check or standing someone up?

After the date, each matchmaker gets rated, so they can build up their reputation as pre-eminent yentas. The site is now free. In a few months, daters will be charged, but only if they're willing to listen to someone they love and let themselves get fixed up.

3. The Love Detector

If you're asking yourself how terrorism has affected to your love life, the answer may be "The Love Detector" � software that allows you to test your blind date's emotional levels. It's based on layered voice analysis, similar to the cutting-edge technology the Israeli army uses to catch bombers.

Unlike lie detectors, which monitor heart rate and other metabolic fluctuations, this technology measures changes in vocal frequency. When you download the $20 Love Detector software into your PDA, you'll get readings that are said to indicate what levels of embarrassment, excitement, anger and other emotions your date is feeling.

"You don't have to ask a yes-no question. Just talk about work, hobbies, everyday things," says Jayson Schkloven, a spokesman for V Entertainment.

The Love Detector is a toned-down version of what the Israelis � and some U.S. law enforcement agencies � are using. It won't gauge whether your date is lying, but the manufacturer claims it is 96 percent accurate in measuring whether the person you're sharing a romantic evening with has butterflies in the belly � or is bored silly.

A daisy flashes on the Love Detector's screen when your date feels the first stirrings of romance. Tell that person you're secretly monitoring his voice, and I assume the flower wilts.

4. Honor Among Philanderers? A Lothario's Creed

If you have an affair, can you handle the guilt? Are you crafty enough to hide incriminating receipts and delete computer files that would spell ruin in divorce court?

If you need basic infidelity training � or if you're on the fence about whether or not you're going to stray � Philanderers.com offers the strangest sort of support.

"Unless you are the only one who has access to your computer, don't bookmark this webpage," visitors of philanderers.com are warned. "The contents can bury you!!!"

This warning comes from a man who identifies himself as Doug Mitchell. He won't give out his real name because, in addition to a wife, two children and a dog, he has had a girlfriend for eight years � just about as long as he's been running this site.

"I thought I was alone when I started this site," says Mitchell, who describes himself as a 40ish importer-exporter from Canada. "I couldn't find anywhere on the Internet to turn for advice."

Mitchell says he's still dating the same woman and that his marriage has actually improved because he's found a way of life that suits him.

"It's not for everyone. You have to be prepared," he says. "My girlfriend knows I run the site. My wife does not."

Would-be philanderers should be warned of the Web site's disclaimer against any liability, should your spouse get wise and take you for all you're worth. You are also warned that breaking your marriage vows is against the law in some jurisdictions.

If you're still bent on cheating, however, you'll get free how-to guides and handy � presumably tested � advice.

Never use credit cards, a hotel phone or let anyone take a picture.

Toothpaste is apparently great to remove a lipstick stain. If you're still worried about telltale signs of a lover on your apparel, stop at a gas station, smear yourself with motor oil and claim you slipped while pumping gas. Better to ruin a shirt than a marriage.

Condoms are part of the philanderer's code, Mitchell says. And it's a good habit to use generic nicknames like "honey" and "dear" to avoid mix-ups when you get home.

Another part of the philanderer's creed: "I will never compromise my lover's home situation by thoughtless or selfish actions." Also: Never tell anyone what you are doing, not even your best friend.

"We don't encourage extramarital affairs. We understand them," Mitchell says.

"People who come to this site are already sitting on the fence. I help them make an informed decision, to see if the benefits outweigh the risks."

Mitchell claims he's getting 35,000 hits a day. About 70 percent of his online personals come from men, who pay about $10 a month (cheating women can post ads for free).

Mitchell admits receiving his share of angry letters from husbands and wives who've been done wrong, but says that's less than one-tenth of the email he receives. "I can't say those people are wrong. Everyone has their own moral code," he says. "It's always best to be honest, and honestly, this works for me."

A philanderer isn't a bad person as much as a person who finds his marriage is missing something, and an affair might be that certain spark, he says.

"You would never know if you met me," he says. "I could be your next-door neighbor."

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